Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
