He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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