Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wish my penis had an off switch
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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