woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
