my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
