the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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