85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
