I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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