cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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