Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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