Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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