I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
