I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
