but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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