apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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