Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
