So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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