At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
