Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
