the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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