Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
