But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
