so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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