I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
