Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
