She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
