Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
