I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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