the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Randomize
