Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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