Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
