so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sorry about my life...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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