hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
