I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
