she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
