Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
