I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
