remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
