I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
