My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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