cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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