He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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