Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
