I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i've created a new STD.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
