Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
