Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
