Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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