My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize