I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
