A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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