so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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